How to Live
Dear younger self,
It is with much pleasure and relief that I have begun to write to you today. My writing originates from the exact place you have grown to fear: the future. Though your peers appear to have the future mapped out, every upcoming life decision looms in front of you like a storm cloud: dark, hazy and intimidating. If anyone can understand how your view of the future makes you feel lost and lonely more than me, it would be your friend Rachel. Make sure that you cherish such a friendship for there are not many others at Brigham Young University who will understand you like her. It is my desire that you will find my writing equally supportive. I want you to see how bright your future will be so you can begin to dissolve the darkness that has settled around you.
At this moment I occupy a space completely unfamiliar to you located back in the familiar state of Washington. Gone are the concrete slab walls that line your basement apartment and absent is the presence of a roommate. If I had to name the most positive change in my new abode, it would be my window. From my perch on the third floor, I have a commanding view of the world outside; a luxury denied to you. Having a room set partially underground forces your windows to sit at the same level as the dirt those outside walk upon. Such a vantage point, in my reflection, did anything but improve my mood (or rather your mood). The world at such a perspective is intimidating like David looking up into the face of Goliath. I am pleased to announce my physical elevation out of the depths of your freshman apartment also came with an emotional elevation. No longer do the obstacles you see above you block my path.
Since we were young we have always been conscious of those around us. We simply followed directions because that was the “right” thing to do and we did what those around us thought appropriate. This is not altogether a bad thing. I personally believe that without such obedience I would not be the person I have become today and who you shall shortly be. Though I admit this all had useful application in our youth, it has greatly hindered your growth as of late. Our introverted nature combined with this insatiable desire to please others threw us into an internal battle. Attending BYU, going on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints (L.D.S.) and eventually getting married to a woman were all wishes our parents had for us but they are just that, wishes. I know your future plans are a far cry from these aforementioned but I am telling you now that those are what you should be striving for. It may come as a shock but I am no longer at BYU, no longer an active member of the L.D.S. faith and have spent the last year and a half dating a wonderful guy. I ask you to stop wasting your time battling within yourself whether you should pursue a future others want for you versus what you want for yourself. You are a stronger individual than you give yourself credit and only you can determine what will make you happy. Don’t allow others to try and determine that for you.
None of these milestones were reached with ease and I still to this day struggle internally with owning my numerous identities. You occupy a rare and special place as an adopted, gay, African-American, raised by white parents in the LDS faith. With so many diverse parts of you, it is easy to allow these identities to overwhelm you. Many will comment on how you don’t act “black” or don’t seem gay but don’t let that get to you. You are different because you are an individual; the numerous parts of your identity are only pieces of the puzzle that collectively portray you as a whole.
The world is not meant to feature people who are carbon copies of one another; we are all different for a reason and by celebrating these differences we grow as individuals. Not everyone buys into this idea and there will be those who will never be comfortable with you because of that. Seeing as how we both have struggled with wanting everyone to approve of our actions, I implore you to ignore those who make you feel lesser when you act like yourself. There is nothing wrong with you; you are not broken. You are more than who you hold hands with. You are more than the color of your skin or the manner in which you speak. You are Alexander Joseph Holland. No single identifier should limit or define you. Try as hard as you can to keep this in mind.
It is incredibly unfortunate that there are people all around the world who are quick to draw conclusions about others but it is a reality we must deal with but not play into. If I have come to realize anything, it is that the best way for us to live is through embracing and understanding differences of those around us. Stereotypes only leave room for fear of a specific person or group. Just as internal fear is putting your life at a standstill, fear of others will only complicate things further. The most important step you must take before you can understand those around you is to first be comfortable with yourself. The happiest people you will ever meet and the best friends you will make will understand themselves quite well. When you don’t fully embrace yourself you will only waste time being uncomfortable with yourself. Life is not about impressing others. Life is about finding yourself, becoming happy by such discovery and sharing that with other people. If more people were to cling to such a pursuit, the world would be a better place. There is no doubt in my mind that such a statement is true.
My letter began as a means of encouraging you, my younger self, but I can’t help but hope my message may reach others. All over the country, and the world beyond its borders, there are young adults in similar situations who are trapped by conservative structures. I am writing this letter in hopes that they, too, might be able to love themselves for who they are and not feel a deficit based on the expectations of those around them. I understand change is not simple and that sometimes self-expression is suppressed by entities larger than yourself but it is critical to push towards change in order to develop your own identity. At times it will seem easier to merely give up and return to your old, never-questioning ways of obedience but I promise you such an easy route will never be worth it in the end. You know yourself and so do I. Although the road before you seems treacherous, you have the skills to fill in the potholes, remove the fallen trees and push forward towards self-discovery and happiness. Moving back to Washington is a dramatic change but, Alex, it is the only way you can jump start your journey to self-discovery. You are so special and the time for you to own that individuality and find bliss is now.
Sincerest Regards,
Alex
It is with much pleasure and relief that I have begun to write to you today. My writing originates from the exact place you have grown to fear: the future. Though your peers appear to have the future mapped out, every upcoming life decision looms in front of you like a storm cloud: dark, hazy and intimidating. If anyone can understand how your view of the future makes you feel lost and lonely more than me, it would be your friend Rachel. Make sure that you cherish such a friendship for there are not many others at Brigham Young University who will understand you like her. It is my desire that you will find my writing equally supportive. I want you to see how bright your future will be so you can begin to dissolve the darkness that has settled around you.
At this moment I occupy a space completely unfamiliar to you located back in the familiar state of Washington. Gone are the concrete slab walls that line your basement apartment and absent is the presence of a roommate. If I had to name the most positive change in my new abode, it would be my window. From my perch on the third floor, I have a commanding view of the world outside; a luxury denied to you. Having a room set partially underground forces your windows to sit at the same level as the dirt those outside walk upon. Such a vantage point, in my reflection, did anything but improve my mood (or rather your mood). The world at such a perspective is intimidating like David looking up into the face of Goliath. I am pleased to announce my physical elevation out of the depths of your freshman apartment also came with an emotional elevation. No longer do the obstacles you see above you block my path.
Since we were young we have always been conscious of those around us. We simply followed directions because that was the “right” thing to do and we did what those around us thought appropriate. This is not altogether a bad thing. I personally believe that without such obedience I would not be the person I have become today and who you shall shortly be. Though I admit this all had useful application in our youth, it has greatly hindered your growth as of late. Our introverted nature combined with this insatiable desire to please others threw us into an internal battle. Attending BYU, going on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints (L.D.S.) and eventually getting married to a woman were all wishes our parents had for us but they are just that, wishes. I know your future plans are a far cry from these aforementioned but I am telling you now that those are what you should be striving for. It may come as a shock but I am no longer at BYU, no longer an active member of the L.D.S. faith and have spent the last year and a half dating a wonderful guy. I ask you to stop wasting your time battling within yourself whether you should pursue a future others want for you versus what you want for yourself. You are a stronger individual than you give yourself credit and only you can determine what will make you happy. Don’t allow others to try and determine that for you.
None of these milestones were reached with ease and I still to this day struggle internally with owning my numerous identities. You occupy a rare and special place as an adopted, gay, African-American, raised by white parents in the LDS faith. With so many diverse parts of you, it is easy to allow these identities to overwhelm you. Many will comment on how you don’t act “black” or don’t seem gay but don’t let that get to you. You are different because you are an individual; the numerous parts of your identity are only pieces of the puzzle that collectively portray you as a whole.
The world is not meant to feature people who are carbon copies of one another; we are all different for a reason and by celebrating these differences we grow as individuals. Not everyone buys into this idea and there will be those who will never be comfortable with you because of that. Seeing as how we both have struggled with wanting everyone to approve of our actions, I implore you to ignore those who make you feel lesser when you act like yourself. There is nothing wrong with you; you are not broken. You are more than who you hold hands with. You are more than the color of your skin or the manner in which you speak. You are Alexander Joseph Holland. No single identifier should limit or define you. Try as hard as you can to keep this in mind.
It is incredibly unfortunate that there are people all around the world who are quick to draw conclusions about others but it is a reality we must deal with but not play into. If I have come to realize anything, it is that the best way for us to live is through embracing and understanding differences of those around us. Stereotypes only leave room for fear of a specific person or group. Just as internal fear is putting your life at a standstill, fear of others will only complicate things further. The most important step you must take before you can understand those around you is to first be comfortable with yourself. The happiest people you will ever meet and the best friends you will make will understand themselves quite well. When you don’t fully embrace yourself you will only waste time being uncomfortable with yourself. Life is not about impressing others. Life is about finding yourself, becoming happy by such discovery and sharing that with other people. If more people were to cling to such a pursuit, the world would be a better place. There is no doubt in my mind that such a statement is true.
My letter began as a means of encouraging you, my younger self, but I can’t help but hope my message may reach others. All over the country, and the world beyond its borders, there are young adults in similar situations who are trapped by conservative structures. I am writing this letter in hopes that they, too, might be able to love themselves for who they are and not feel a deficit based on the expectations of those around them. I understand change is not simple and that sometimes self-expression is suppressed by entities larger than yourself but it is critical to push towards change in order to develop your own identity. At times it will seem easier to merely give up and return to your old, never-questioning ways of obedience but I promise you such an easy route will never be worth it in the end. You know yourself and so do I. Although the road before you seems treacherous, you have the skills to fill in the potholes, remove the fallen trees and push forward towards self-discovery and happiness. Moving back to Washington is a dramatic change but, Alex, it is the only way you can jump start your journey to self-discovery. You are so special and the time for you to own that individuality and find bliss is now.
Sincerest Regards,
Alex
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